The concept of 'dark empathy' and how to recognize this behaviour

Most people have the ability to understand others’ emotions, while others’ can be manipulative without realizing it. Registered psychologist Lisa Rowbottom joined CTV Morning Live’s Kent Morrison to talk about identifying this behaviour in relationships.

 

This transcript has been edited for length and clarity.

 

Kent Morrison: Empathy, or the ability to understand others' emotions, is generally seen as a good thing, but there can be a sinister side. Lisa, can you explain dark empathy?

Lisa Rowbottom: I think to understand dark empathy, you have to understand that we separate a psychologist's empathy into two categories.

One is more of an “affect empathy,” so I can feel what you're feeling, whereas the other piece is, “cognitive empathy,” where I can understand how it makes you feel, but I'm not necessarily experiencing it.

If I have cognitive empathy on its own, then I can comprehend your emotions, and I can manipulate them or use them, or work with them to get you to do what I want you to do.

Kent: Interesting. What do they do with this intuition, if they’re using empathy in a dark way?

Lisa: Generally, people will use some form of manipulation to get what they want to get, or to get where they want to be, but without the comprehension of how it emotionally feels for you.

I could decide that I want to drive my friend's car. So, instead of just asking them, and if they're like, “No, I need to go to my mother's funeral,” I might be angry, and I might lay a guilt trip on you because I know it's going to make you feel bad and give me what I want.

Even though I should feel what it would feel like, to have someone ask you to borrow their car when you needed to go to your mother's funeral.

Kent: How do we recognize this? Because this can be tricky in friendships or acquaintances, where it feels like they're the victim or you're trying to help them out, but really, they're twisting you around.

So how can you identify this and recognize when someone is using this on you?

Lisa: I think that the most important thing to recognize is you're not going to see it right away.

People who use this trait are very charismatic. They can feel very compassionate, but they're really not.

They can be really self deprecating, interestingly enough, and people will identify them as manipulative.

I think the most important thing is, in these relationships, if you're feeling anxious and uncomfortable, even though everybody else thinks this person is amazing and you just can't figure out why you feel insecure in this relationship, there's probably something going on.

Kent: Is this something you can recognize in yourself that you're using empathy in a manipulative way?

Lisa: Most of us have both types of empathy, but if you only have one type and you've never experienced the other, we all assume everybody interacts with the world and thinks about the world the same way we do.

People don't necessarily walk around saying, “I'm going to use my dark empathetic trait today and I'm going to manipulate you.”

It's just part of their repertoire of interacting with the world, so it's hard to recognize in yourself.

Kent: If you're in a relationship, whether it's a platonic relationship or something else, with someone who is a dark empath, how do you recommend talking to them about how they're treating you?

Lisa: I think the best thing is to keep your boundaries very firm.

In terms of having that discussion with them, depending on the type of relationship, you may want to seek out professional help before trying to have that conversation with this individual yourself, because you might need some external input to help them see what's happening.

Kent: Okay, very interesting. Well, you are a pro. Thank you so much for coming in and telling us more about this. If viewers would like to learn more, you can find Lisa at sojournpsychology.ca.